August Update

I wanted to give an update to all who are interested. I've actually been putting this off hoping to have a miraculous attitude change. But I've realized, its okay to be honest with how I feel at this point. 

I had my bi-weekly appointment this last Monday. My blood work came back a little concerning. My white blood cell count is a little low. Right at 3. Normal range I think is 5-11... ?? Somewhere in there. Anyway, so that just means my body isn't at its full and normal capacity for fighting bugs or infection. I will just have to be mindful of that. My doctor requested more blood work to be done this past Friday to make sure my white blood cell count hadn't dropped further, it did not. I am stable for now. If it does dip lower, I will likely have to get some injections and antibiotics to help my body. The other main concern at my last appointment is this weird rash I have on my hands, legs, and head. It itches like crazy! My oncologist wanted me to get it checked out by a dermatologist, which I did this past week. The conclusion was they don't know what it is, but think its from chemotherapy. They wanted to do a few biopsies on the rash. Which would mean a few small incisions with a few stitches on each. I am a huge freak about this type of thing and asked if there was any way around the biopsies. The conclusion to this story is that they are going to wait for now, and if the rash doesn't clear up soon, I will have to do the biopsies. I am sure they are no big deal, but I am so tired of all things medical procedures... I am asking God to rid me of this rash. I think physically, that sums up how I am doing. Amazingly, I have kept some hair. I have very thin, short hair. You can see my scalp easily. I am just starting to wear hats. I haven't busted out the wig yet. I hate to complain or to show my vanity on this topic, but my biggest insecurity is coming from the weight I have gained. I wont go into detail but its substantial and it makes me feel insecure. I would like to blame it on the steroids, or the other vast amount of drugs, or maybe the change in my lifestyle, or maybe just struggling with being down. Who knows?? Everyones response to that concern, is to just worry about getting well for now. 

I mentioned my attitude earlier. My attitude should be this: I have cancer, BUT I have had a great success so far! Cancer is in remission! I have full time help around my house and with my child. I have a supportive family and church. Things couldn't be better for the circumstances! But, that hasn't really been my attitude lately. I've started getting anxiety on the Sundays before chemotherapy. I start thinking about everything that will happen, how it will make me feel, and I start dreading it. I make myself physically ill with just the thought. The week of chemotherapy, I struggle with knowing if my extreme fatigue is from the chemotherapy or from being down in spirit. I struggle with motivation a lot of days because I feel sorry for myself. I keep trying to remind myself of all the people that have to walk this road, that don't have a hopeful out-turn. I try to remind myself of kids that have to go through this. At least I understand why I am going through this. And most importantly, I try to remind myself of the spiritual truth. That even if I lose my body here, my soul is forever grounded with God in glory. 

God is good to me. I lack nothing. But my attitude is poor lately. Truth, the end.