September Update

The (medical) facts: I am doing well. I completed my fifth round today, which would be my tenth infusion. I have to do six rounds, or 12 infusions. That is only two left! Wow!! Time always seems to fly in life, but right now I am welcoming the quickness of time. The last few chemo infusions were hard. I got sick throughout the administering of chemo. I clutched a vomit bag and waited... I never did throw up but I felt like I was on the verge most of the time. I cried and told Ben I couldn't do anymore. They were hard days. But today was much better, I tried a few things to keep me preoccupied and it worked! I was still sick but I felt like it was manageable. The days following after chemo are still hard. I think my body doesn't spring back as quickly as it did in the beginning. Some of my side effects are worse too, like the skin rash. At my last appointment my blood counts were low and not looking great, so they gave me some injections to help recover those counts. This week they looked much better and I was able to proceed with chemo.

On a more personal note, I am doing ok. I think better than the last time I blogged. I am struggling with the general down in spirits type of struggles that come with feeling ill. When you are continually sick you kind of have to fight for joy. Or at least I have. I have to focus on all the good. It's pilled all around me, so I focus on that. I turned 30 this month. The days surrounding my birthday brought more reminders of all the good in my life. Cora is a constant source of joy in our lives. The family, friends, and church that have surrounded us at this time in life are huge for me! My mom being here to help me is also huge. I need help physically with my home and my child, but I also need help to stay positive. I could go on and on about God providing for all our needs at this time, but I will just leave it at he is blessing us and providing for all our needs right now. We are thankful. We are almost done... I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. October 19th is my last treatment. Then I will have surgery to remove the port. Then 3 to 6 months later another PET scan to see where we stand.

August Update

I wanted to give an update to all who are interested. I've actually been putting this off hoping to have a miraculous attitude change. But I've realized, its okay to be honest with how I feel at this point. 

I had my bi-weekly appointment this last Monday. My blood work came back a little concerning. My white blood cell count is a little low. Right at 3. Normal range I think is 5-11... ?? Somewhere in there. Anyway, so that just means my body isn't at its full and normal capacity for fighting bugs or infection. I will just have to be mindful of that. My doctor requested more blood work to be done this past Friday to make sure my white blood cell count hadn't dropped further, it did not. I am stable for now. If it does dip lower, I will likely have to get some injections and antibiotics to help my body. The other main concern at my last appointment is this weird rash I have on my hands, legs, and head. It itches like crazy! My oncologist wanted me to get it checked out by a dermatologist, which I did this past week. The conclusion was they don't know what it is, but think its from chemotherapy. They wanted to do a few biopsies on the rash. Which would mean a few small incisions with a few stitches on each. I am a huge freak about this type of thing and asked if there was any way around the biopsies. The conclusion to this story is that they are going to wait for now, and if the rash doesn't clear up soon, I will have to do the biopsies. I am sure they are no big deal, but I am so tired of all things medical procedures... I am asking God to rid me of this rash. I think physically, that sums up how I am doing. Amazingly, I have kept some hair. I have very thin, short hair. You can see my scalp easily. I am just starting to wear hats. I haven't busted out the wig yet. I hate to complain or to show my vanity on this topic, but my biggest insecurity is coming from the weight I have gained. I wont go into detail but its substantial and it makes me feel insecure. I would like to blame it on the steroids, or the other vast amount of drugs, or maybe the change in my lifestyle, or maybe just struggling with being down. Who knows?? Everyones response to that concern, is to just worry about getting well for now. 

I mentioned my attitude earlier. My attitude should be this: I have cancer, BUT I have had a great success so far! Cancer is in remission! I have full time help around my house and with my child. I have a supportive family and church. Things couldn't be better for the circumstances! But, that hasn't really been my attitude lately. I've started getting anxiety on the Sundays before chemotherapy. I start thinking about everything that will happen, how it will make me feel, and I start dreading it. I make myself physically ill with just the thought. The week of chemotherapy, I struggle with knowing if my extreme fatigue is from the chemotherapy or from being down in spirit. I struggle with motivation a lot of days because I feel sorry for myself. I keep trying to remind myself of all the people that have to walk this road, that don't have a hopeful out-turn. I try to remind myself of kids that have to go through this. At least I understand why I am going through this. And most importantly, I try to remind myself of the spiritual truth. That even if I lose my body here, my soul is forever grounded with God in glory. 

God is good to me. I lack nothing. But my attitude is poor lately. Truth, the end. 

PET Scan Update

This week we were given the best news possible regarding cancer. It is in remission. I had a PET scan done on the 10th and we were given the results on Monday, no seen cancer masses. Wow! What great news... On my first PET scan there were cancer masses in my lymph nodes, in my chest, and in my spleen. Now there is nothing shown on the PET scan. The chemotherapy is working. My first question to the doctor was, ok, so can I be done with chemo then? Short answer: no. He explained that just because we do not see any cancer masses doesn't mean the cancer cells are not there. They are there, just small. The PET scan doesn't show anything smaller than a pea size. They also know from experience that just five infusions will not fully rid my body of the cancer. They know it takes much more chemo and time. This is my understanding of the conversation we had.  But for now the news is that what we are doing is working. Cancer is being rid from my body. We are so grateful for health and for the answers to prayers. We are thankful that although I am on chemotherapy, I am well. Well enough to do normal daily activities, well enough to see friends, well enough to eat and enjoy food. Thank you God for this mercy.

Update

I had my fourth chemotherapy on Monday. Same routine- labs, doctor appointment, then infusion. I saw a different oncologist this time because my doctor is on vacation. We really liked this doctor. He was honest but his honesty was in our favor because the news was good. He said my blood work looked good. He said it didn't look like the blood work of someone going through chemotherapy. This was encouraging. He also gave me the advice to "live my life". Within reason of course. His advice to live my life came after Ben and I asked several questions. Should we do this? Should we not do this? He was a little more laid back about activities than our normal oncologist. He also scheduled a PET scan for July 10th. This scan will tell us where we are at with progress on the cancer. To remind you there is cancer in three areas of my body. My neck, chest, and spleen. Our hope is that the areas with the cancer are much smaller. We already have some proof of this from my chest x-ray I had a few weeks ago. The area in my chest had already shrunk some. If the cancer is responding well, than the chances of them getting rid of the cancer are great! This is good news! If the cancer is responding well, I will only 8 more infusions, then done!

Our life these days looks fairly normal. I have chemo every two weeks. The week following I am sick. Mainly with mild nausea, exhaustion, a lack of sleep, some weakness, and just an overall icky feeling. My second week I almost start feeling normal, or what I remember normal to be. I have been able to meet with friends, do some mild activity and enjoy our life. Things are going well. For the circumstances, we are doing great. I just want to say again to all who are praying... thank you. I really need you all.

Health

You know that feeling when you are sick for several days and then you get feeling better and its like you've come up for air? And you thank God you are healthy... And you swear you will never take your health for granted again? I have been there. Some of my most fervent prayers have been while sick. I am reminded of this today.

Today I am discouraged. It's been fairly easy to stay up beat about all of this. Great odds of beating this type of cancer. But no one likes being sick.  And today after feeling sick for five days straight, I'm a little down. Five more months of feeling significantly ill for a week. Five. more. months. Trying to stay encouraged, trying to stay grounded in truth. I am tired of being tired. Tired of feeling sick. Tired of all the other symptoms.

I ask for your prayers and encouragement as I face being ill each chemo round. It's not been easy even though I am doing better than most.

The new normal

I've done three infusions. I'm starting to find a new normal in life. We've found a routine and we are starting to know what to expect. Chemotherapy day is usually uneventful. We start with lab draws from my arm. Then we meet with our oncologist. Then the infusion chair where the chemotherapy is administered. The lab draws are still a struggle for me, you would think after all of this I would have conquered my irrational fears, but I havent. Meeting with the oncologist today gave us more hope for healing. He showed us my chest x-Ray from last week, and you can see in the X-ray that the mass in my chest is much smaller, you can almost not see it anymore. So we know the chemo is working! I had a chest X-ray, pulmonary function test and EKG last week due to some intense chest pains. It turned out to be heartburn but they needed to be sure because the chemo can cause problems with the heart and lungs. The days after chemo are usually spent in bed or resting. I feel my worst those first four days after chemo. Mild nausea, an extreme exhaustion, insomnia at night, sensitive skin, mouth sensitivity, and a few other more personal unpleasantries.
Cora is doing great with my mom caring for her. I'm getting to rest whenever I need. Mom is keeping our home and helping with whatever we need. It's been such a relief to have someone to watch Cora for chemo days, and all my other appointments. I also get to rest whenever I need to! I know, you don't have to tell me, we've got it made! :-)
If you're interested, well, even if you're not, I'm going to share a few things we've learned lately. I think the first is that our community, church, friends, family, and even strangers are showing us God's love for us. Because God loves us he is using his church, his people to reach out to us and love us. This is humbling, this is overwhelming. Bringing us a meal, sending us cards, praying for us, sending a care package or flowers, gifts, helping us, in all forms this is God using his church! What a privilege! I am just convicted and overwhelmed in one. The love is awesome, and we need it!! But I'm convicted because we all need it, right? The couple with too many responsibilities that feels they are drowning daily, all those tired mama's out there that feel desperate and overwhelmed, those with health ailments, broken relationships, an aching for a spouse, loneliness, marriage difficulties, loss of a child. We've all got hurts and trials. We all need love. I think what cancer has taught me most recently is that there is no end to the love that needs to be poured out on all people. I pray that God will use me like he has used so many of you in my life! The need is great, find someone to love!

Post chemo round 2

I am humbled and grateful if you care enough to read this. Thank you for the love and support. Thank you to anyone that has called, texted, brought us meals, sent care packages, cards, volunteered in our basement, flowers, I know there is more, but my mind is foggy. All of you that have offered to help in any capacity... thank you. I would be depressed and struggling without support from people.

I had my second administering of chemotherapy today. It went way better than the last time. I did not pass out and the actual needle hurt less. My wound from the surgery placing that port is better too. So I am not as sensitive in that area. Chemo was uneventful. Ben and I talked and read, and watched some TV. The only news worth sharing from today was meeting with our oncologist. He said that my blood counts looked good. My organ function isn't being effected from what he can see on the blood test. My lungs are doing well too. There is a chance of lung damage from one of the chemo drugs, and it doesn't seem to be a factor for me at this point. He asked about all my symptoms, and it seems I am doing unusually well. In fact, after I answered his questions about how I've felt in the last two weeks his response was that I am doing better than 99% of his other patients on chemotherapy. He also did an exam on me and could not feel my lymph nodes at all, which two weeks ago were bulging from my neck. This is also good news because it means the chemo is working. :) We were encouraged today. I am bracing for a rough few days post chemo, but thankful for all the good news today. I know people are praying for us. God doesn't always answer prayers how we would like, but for us, he has been merciful and is answering our prayers.





Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.
Psalm 71:19-21